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Deflecting?

Writer's picture: Tina CarterTina Carter

There are times when we are traveling through cancerworld when folks say things that are...kinda stupid.

And while we can easily recognize that we may be more tender than usual when we are traveling through cancerworld, it is also safe to say that folks sometimes say things that are just not helpful. Who knows if they are saying stuff because they are uncomfortable, to process their own grief, or to try and help us on our journey. We just know that some mutterings "land" in a way that is not good for us.

Sometimes it's their recommendations on curing cancer. One person mentioned to my husband that, when his relative got cancer, they fed their relative asparagus every day and the relative was cured.

No one disputes their experience. However, my desperate definitely science based husband who is not subject to fanciful whims, served me asparagus every day for nearly a month.

The point of the story is that, when people say things to us that are less than helpful it can really affect how we feel, and sometimes what we do. Many journeyers are in a state of stress just because we are in cancerworld.

One thing that has been helpful to many of us is to keep a "stupid stuff people say" journal. The purpose of the journal is to convert those awkward moments where folks are verbally lobbing unsolicited advice or observations our way from danger zones to opportunities to laugh later. The journal is a place for you to jot down all those awkward moments so that you can review them (and perhaps laugh at them) later with a trusted friend, caregiver, or therapist. The hope is to convert something that often happens to us into a means to laugh a little.

Of course, we can always take a more proactive approach and just verbally shut people down when they start sharing unwanted stories/advice/insight. I have a friend that will stop people and say, "this is unhelpful, let's talk about X." However, if you don't have the energy/bandwidth/personality/inclination to redirect folks verbally, consider carrying a little notebook to jot down the gems for later contemplation.

Who knows, it could give you material for a new stand-up comedy career.

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